


The world is tilted and I'm no longer alright.

by amelioratedays



Category: GOT7, JJ Project
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-23
Updated: 2015-03-23
Packaged: 2018-03-19 07:29:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3601506
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amelioratedays/pseuds/amelioratedays
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes Jinyoung ponders too much in an "almost".</p>
            </blockquote>





	The world is tilted and I'm no longer alright.

  
There's just a certain amount of displacement, nothing too potent that makes Jinyoung feel as if he's going to _die_. But there's enough of it for him to always feel slightly out of breath, weight pressing against his chest so that he can never breathe in fully. It frustrates him sometimes, where he's singing onstage and his breath lodges in his throat when he's too aware of the older male grazing past him. How even if the spotlight was on him, it still seems like he's in the shadows--and the whole world has illuminated Im Jaebum. He wonders if it's the same for Jaebum as well--but even if it is, he knows that the older male would only brush it off with a clench of a fist.

  
  


It's funny how hung up he is over an _almost_. They haven't broken up--haven't even started anything before Jaebum evaded his gaze and pulled his hand away. "We can't do this," he said before leaving Jinyoung to wallow in the empty silence. Sometimes when he sits alone in his room at night, watching the shadows sway from the window, he can hear the soft echo of two years ago. But it goes away with the sunrise, when light floods the room and momentarily blinds his eyes. He doesn't sleep much these days, blinking away the flashes in his eyes as the rest of the dorm awakens.

  
  


Everything settles back into a norm, and just like that one morning, where Jaebum had knocked on his door asking him to come out for breakfast. As if nothing ever happened, and it's only Jinyoung fixated over a dream. He wonders if he'll live to regret this in his final days, whether he would lie on his deathbed thinking about all the "what-if's" and "could be's". Whether he would've finally found the right person, or whether he'd simply be bitter (and alone) over how Jaebum probably had found his Ms. Right. It doesn't help that he buries himself in helplessly cliche romance novels that speak of fleeting romances and undying love--as if time would never heal the scrape in his heart. (It's only a scrape, not a full-fledged wound. Jinyoung thinks he'd probably be able to live with it.)

  
  


In the long run, he knows that Jaebum wasn't wrong in his decision--it's never a time for taboo romances when you should only be thinking about dreams and careers. Love doesn't win over bread when you have expectations to live up to and a life to live. And with every new member into the group (every dream they drop onto Jaebum's shoulders) Jinyoung can't help but accept that there are more important things than the soft aching in his heart.

  
  


Things don't really change and he still finds himself laughing over trivial matters and bad puns (mostly to indulge Jackson though). Dogs still dislike him and he still doesn't ever want to pierce his ears. All in all, he thinks he's still the same smiling boy as six years ago--stepping into the company doors to bump into a boy with raven hair and crescent eyes.

  
  


But sometimes, usually after he notices the way Jaebum hesitates to call out to him (the way he tenses before placing a hand on Jinyoung's shoulder), Jinyoung finds himself retreating within himself. It's then that he wants to be more alone than ever--lock himself within his room and pry open a novel where the protagonist can actually afford to love. He's escaping reality with every car ride and break they get.

  
  


Yet, with every novel that he finishes, he wonders if he should be this _empty_. He's not afraid to love because he's only got three months to live, he's not being left behind and discarded, there are no star crossed lines in between him and Jaebum. (But of course, Yue Lao hasn't strung a red string through their names either.) Life for Park Jinyoung isn't that of Romeo and Juliet and he wonders if he's actually entitled to be so upset over his one-sided romance. (But it's not exactly one-sided if he considers the way Jaebum had pulled him in before pushing him away.) Life is seemingly a flat line for him, where his heart doesn't beat and there is no climax nor dénouement. He doesn't cry himself to sleep, nor does he draw red lines into his wrist.

  
  


He simply gazes off into the darkness, trying to breath in fully and failing each time because there are boulders settled within his lungs. "I'm okay," he reminds himself every morning when the sun rises and Jaebum knocks on his door (a duty he's assumed since their days back as trainees.)

  
  


"Wake up, Jinyoung." He'd say softly but Jinyoung only wants to sleep forever--settle into an everlasting coma back into his dreams and desires. And so he mopes around his room, pretending as if time was in quicksand--softly ticking in half beats. He takes his time maneuvering around until he's sure that Jaebum was awake and downstairs, already settled into the car. And that the other members are filing out so that when Jinyoung arrives, the first car would already be filled.

  
  


But today, as he rushes down the stairs onto paved grounds, he finds Jaebum standing outside. And the stones in his chest rattle--denting his ribcage--because it's too much déjà vu for five o'clock in the morning. His mind is spiraling back to pubescent days and he can't help but marvel how Jaebum's smile is still the same after six whole years.

  
  


"Are you ready?" Jaebum asks.

  
  


"Y-y-yeah." He stutters, voice hoarse.

  
  


Jaebum sends him an affirmative hum, jamming his hands in his pockets instead of placing them around the nape of Jinyoung's neck. And they walk, out of phase, towards the second car--Jinyoung pretends to walk in synch with Jaebum's shadow until the clouds meld everything into a solid grey. Settling into the back seat of the van, Jinyoung unzips his bookbag to take out his book--a novel he's reading, talking about first loves and magpie bridges. He's up to the part where Heaven takes Zhi Nv away from Niu Lang and Jinyoung thinks it's about time--because deities were never supposed to love in the first place, being void of emotions, let alone with a mortal. He expects it to be another Romeo and Juliet--where no one ever ends up together until death--but it isn't. And he reads on to find Zhi Nv meeting with Niu Lang for ten minutes every year on the seventh of July.

  
  


Seven is a lucky number, he thinks to himself as he closes the book--removing his glasses to rest his eyes. There's a faint sting in his eyes but Jinyoung doesn't want to care--hands gripping the novel too tightly. When he finally opens his eyes, red and burning, he catches Jaebum's eyes in the rear view mirror. The older male seems slightly shocked, eyes widening as he softly smiles before shifting his gaze to look out the car window.

  
  


There's only a slight displacement in the balance in the world--off centre by an approximate 6 degrees (one for every birthday he's spent with Jaebum)--not enough for Jinyoung to fall off the edge but enough to have him walking upright with much more force in his steps. The road seems much more strenuous now, even though everything is still seemingly normal. Jinyoung closes his eyes again, muttering to himself (to Jaebum).

  
  


"I'll be okay. Time will heal me."


End file.
